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February 23, 2001 (Friday)
Well, things are going from bad to worse. Apparently, the rogue plate has started a grass roots revolt against self cleaning. It has successfully recruited two spoons, a white cup, and a grey cup with an orange-brown band. For all you Deirdre fans out there, the grey cup is Deirdre's personal cup. Yes, you've guessed it. She's a saucy lass with a flair for fashion. Not many people would choose the color of their cup to deftly match the color of their grey, smoked stained teeth. But, then again, not many people are like our Deirdre.
In the interests of objectivity and completeness, I must report that our Deirdre had a guest over last night. I'm sure this doesn't have any bearing on the current turn of events, however, as a scientist, I must report every event no matter how inconsequential.
If you will notice, the two spoons specifically have picked up the flag of resistance with great enthusiasm. They have lain themselves on top of one another screaming "Wash me." Yes, indeed, these two pieces of evil dinnerware know no shame. As you will also notice, the original rogue plate and its rebel cutlery brothers have defiantly remained in the same position overnight.
To be honest, I can no longer remain completely objective. The fervor with which these cups and spoons have thrown themselves into the cause has taken me by surprise. I had no idea of the evil that resides in ordinary dinnerware. As a scientist, I remain detached, however I feel I will soon need to take on an additional role as combat reporter as the electric sparks of revolution and the resultant ozone in the air give hint of trouble yet to come. But fellow believers, do not fear, as I hearby pledge to steady my resolve and continue reporting as long as I am physically able, even ,God forbid, at the cost of great and violent personal injury.
For the nonbelievers out there, I already know your questions, so let me try to allay some of your worries and doubts.
I'm sure you're thinking, "Dude, man, get a freaking life. Today's Friday. Shouldn't you be out partying and getting wasted?" Yes, indeed, I would normally be doing that, but science has no weekends. The unending, painful, incontinence-inducing search for truth knows no rest, and neither shall I, until this phenomenon has been fully documented.
Oh, I can already hear you stragglers in the back shouting, "But, dude, this is the weekend. Come on. Stop with this nonsense." Well, all I have to say to that is, "Back off, man. I'm a scientist."
Do not fear, fellow believers, I am not so easily dissuaded by these slack jaw yokels. We will overcome. We will overcome.